I have never been a touchy feely person. If you've never seen me in my birthday suit, then you should just wave at me from a comfortable distance. After my son passed away, hugs were coming at me from all directions. Some were welcome or okay, others I sensed in the air and refused to come within striking distance of the person. Now that all of the condolences are (thankfully) said, life has picked itself up and started moving along once more. I am a little peeved at the audacity of time, moving by so fast. I wanted to be frozen in time like a bug in amber...but I also wanted to wake up one morning to find that five years had passed overnight. But this is my new life, as Rose-who-lost-a-son. I feel as though I am being stalked by women with newborns and pregnant women. It's like they have me on a GPS tracker and are congregating where ever I happen to be. It makes me so jealous I could kill everyone, and I feel woozy- as though I have just been sucker punched. One woman, in particular, seems to delight in terrorizing my days...she ambles up to me and rubs her belly while complaining to me about how much pregnancy sucks. She knows my baby just passed away, is she stupid or just vicious? I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking her this question. Instead, I go into the nearest closet and hyperventilate for a few minutes. Worse, some people say "Oh, well at least you have your beautiful daughter, you're lucky to have her at least." Oh, what a relief...it was just my back up child that died. I thought it was a brand new person I had hopes and dreams for, and loved with everything in me.. now that I know it was just my spare I can stop being so heartbroken. I know I am lucky to have an amazing little girl...but I had an amazing little boy too. Or, "I know just how you feel, I lost my grandma when I was one." If something pops into your mind, you don't have to say it, you can just be quiet - and that's not a bad thing. If you've never cried while staring at yourself in the mirror topless because your body is all ready to feed a baby you didn't get to take home, then you don't know how I feel. Just slap me in the face next time, okay? Thanks for your help.
I have cried more in the last two months than I have in ten years. But I couldn't cry at my son's funeral, I fought back tears around the burning lump in my throat. I felt awkward and vulnerable, part of me wanted to snatch his coffin up and curl around it until they pried me off of it. The other half wanted to get up and run like Forrest Gump. I felt every thump of the groundsmen interring him, wincing each time the rhythmic sound echoed in the morning. It was such a beautiful day, and we laughed hysterically all the way home. I suppose the line from the Jimmy Buffett song is true...if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.
